A most unfortunate situation occurred here a week ago. Our young travel agent, Cali, who returned from a maternity leave in April has been having a difficult time recently. We counseled with her one day and found that she and her husband, Welcome, had been living in a small house in the back of his parents’ yard. There had been conflict with his mother who has a problem with alcohol and Cali left. She took her toddler and the new baby to stay with her grandmother in her home village and she had not returned to the house with Welcome, but was staying with an uncle. She and Welcome had not been able to work out the problem as of yet (longer story here that I won’t go into.)
On Friday morning, June 19, Cali got word that her 4 month old baby, Zinele, had died. She was, of course, devastated. She and Welcome have no cell phone so Elder and Sister Von Stetten, whose office is 2 doors away, volunteered to take her to Welcome to tell him. The parents’ house is in a township about 50 minutes from the office and there the couple embraced and cried together. They have no transportation, nor do his parents, so the Von Stettens, against all rules, offered to take the couple to the grandmother’s house, not knowing how far away that was. Welcome’s father also got into the car. They drove about 3 ½ hours to Limpopo province to a little village near Polokwane.
The plan was to take the baby back to JoBurg for a funeral. Unfortunately, the traditions of this family and tribe created a problem for the young parents. Evidently, Welcome, a returned missionary with no money, had not paid the Lobolo for Cali. The tradition says that no marriage is considered legitimate until the husband has paid a Labolo or Labola (a dowry). This is usually a gift of cattle to the bride’s family, to compensate for their loss. We heard that Welcome was required to pay 6 cows and 12,000 Rand -- about 30,000 Rand or 4,000-5,000 dollars when they married) and now the uncle would not let them take the baby. In fact he said that the baby would be buried in the side yard at 5:00 pm that very day. Cali had no choice but to yield to her dead mother’s brother and her grandmother and honor their demand and Welcome and his father had no say at all. Old traditions say that the rights of fatherhood are acquired through Lobola and if no cattle have been given, any child born of the union remains with the mother's family.
Elder Von Stetten asked Welcome to find out from the grandmother who spoke no English if they could participate in the service (feeling that a Priesthood holder should dedicate the grave). The uncle agreed. A few women from the village arrived and Cali’s aunt wrapped the infant in a blanket. The service began, Elder Von Stetten offered a prayed, dedicated the grave and then stepped back as they put a straw mat in the bottom of the one meter deep hole, and then laid the baby into the hole. He began to say a few words regarding the plan of salvation and that Cali would have a chance to raise the child in the next life when the uncle grabbed a shovel and after scooping up some dirt, he walked from family member to family member who each took a handful and threw the dirt on the infant below as they offered comments in their native tongue. He then began shoveling the dirt into the hole. During all of this, Cali was crying hard and was comforted by her aunts and her cousin. Welcome was weeping heavily and stood alone. No one from this family offered him comfort so Elder Von Stetten went to him and put his arms around him.
In a few minutes the village women left and the family disbursed. Then they were told that Cali would not be allowed to return to Johannesburg with them. She had to stay in the village for 10 days. Both Cali and Welcome were surprised. They met privately for about 20 minutes and then they came outside so she could say her goodbyes.
Quoting from Elder Von Stetten: “This was very emotional and very trying time for these two in many ways. For a young father to be separated from his wife and his other daughter for the next 10 days, and to do this on the day that he buried his youngest daughter seemed unnecessarily cruel. A time when they need each other the most, he was not permitted to stay. My own opinion is that Cali’s relatives were making him ‘pay’ on this day of grieving for his failure to comply with years ago.
“I believe that the church is going to struggle with this cultural demand for generations to come. Many of our members are first generation and the young men struggle when coming home from their missions to try to raise the Lobolo, while also trying to follow the counsel of their Mission Presidents to return with honor from their mission and get married, educated and have a family. Those that follow this guidance without meeting the Lobolo tradition can be subjected to very cruel and unkind treatment when a family situation like this one occurs. My heart goes out to those of our members who are caught, as Cali and Welcome Mnisi were, between the church’s teachings and also in showing the respect and honor that they are taught to have in abiding by the heritage. This is truly a cultural clash that will be a major challenge in Africa for many years to come.”
Follow up note July 6: Dad and I were certainly worried about Cali and had a chance to counsel with her when she returnd to the office. She had been able to return to JoBurg before the 10 days so that she could attend to her job, but she explained that she must return to the village again for a ceremony on Saturday (this past weekend) where Welcome's and Cali's families would gather together to eat and talk. Welcome's family must provide the goat to be slaughtered. This ceremony (?) is generally held 10 days after the death of the person but since Cali was employed they postponed it for her till the weekend.
We struggle to understand the tribal traditions and sympathize with the young church members who are torn between the church culture and those of their tribes and families.
